you too can be a writer!!! vol. 1
so a lot of people are reading my poems and totally sweating them. such depth!! such innovation!!! well i can’t take all the credit because i totally have like a lot of influences. like there are people posting youtube videos right now that will change. ur. lief. people like my hero steve roggenbuck omg lol
so here’s how to write poetry like me and steve
1. pick a background. preferably a sunset. of course we don’t actually like sunsets, but steve and stephen and a few other bored rich white kids invented irony just for us, so let’s thank them (seriously, it was nice of them). they also invented post-irony, which is neat too. that’s when you’re so bored and vapid that you accidentally start genuinely liking stuff you started saying that you liked as a joke (i.e. you buy a bieber cd and don’t even post on facebook about it but just listen to it in your car, which in itself is almost a poem, so remember that).
here’s a sunset you can use because you need a background duh i just told you that
in a lot of ways you could stop here. this is totally an internet poem, and it’s kind of a good one. but this really isn’t ironic enough, is it?
2. add a picture of an old man, or a mom looking lady that you don’t want to fuck, or a kitten or something
i chose this old man because he has a suit and he’s in handcuffs. your audience will be ‘arrested’ by your complexity as a writer. you’re welcome. this is totally a poem at this point, but it’s hard to say you wrote it, and this is mostly about getting attention for being a writer, so there is one more step
3. write something in helvetica. but like what you ask? like whatever. that’s what makes it poetry. if you have some half thought that is barely worth being said out loud then it is most likely a poem
like this
or this
or this
that one is particularly beautiful because it is stupid and grandiose, but totally like obviously a joke so like lol who cares whatever. the essence of internet poetry.
are u scared bb? dont b gurl!!!!! u cna b a poet!! heres smoe extra tips!!!
- dnot speel so wel (it maeks it atr)
- you should like NEVER capitalize anything unless making a point and then do ALL CAPS
- punctuation is stupid (poems duh)
- everything is a poem, even rap (jay-z) and graffiti, and scrabble games, and alpha bits, and gchats, and texts, and owner’s manuals, and post its, and like, even road signs and stuff if you take a picture of it with your iphone and edit in bieber or something
- jsut liev ur lief alraedy!!!! i luv you!!
and here’s a super extra bonus!!! i made all these just for you and all you have to do is go into photoshop and add words if you want!!! it’s part of our new ebook together called ‘lievin it up’ starring all your favorite internet poets and fiction writers!!!! omg u guys!!! we did it!!!!!!
and the golden calf himself
go be writers!! write like so many poems i <3 u lol ur the best!!!!
